So, here's the thing.  I've started a blog over on wordpress.  I'm using it to practice for writing garden books, so I thought I'd try my hand at garden blogging.  Right now my focus is pretty narrow-- entries are mostly confined to my own garden and my dayjob.  But it does mean I'm going to be posting less frequently here.  I don't have time for being here and there, at least not right now with everything that's going on in my life.  I'm not shutting this down-- I can't bear to do that, but I am going to be posting a lot less frequently.  I'm still going to be reading and commenting.

And if you guys want to see what I'm doing, this is where I'll be: Where the Weeds and Wild Things Are.  Stop by and say hello.

I've been sitting on this post for the better part of a week, because first I didn't know what to say, and then I didn't know how to say it.  And I was tired, and heartsick, and angry.  And I'm still all of those things, but maybe talking about it will help.  Anyway.

My dear friend who was suffering from cancer passed away Monday morning.  And I've known her for years, since middle school.  So, roughly twelve years or so, she's been a friend and mentor, and now she's gone.  And I've been sitting on that, because it's one of the things I do best-- not talking about the things that hurt me.

And I know she's not suffering anymore, and she's not in pain.  But I am so angry.  Not at her.  But I am bitterly, selfishly angry at the cancer.  Because she was amazing, and why her?  Which is a stupid question.  But I can't stop being angry that my friend had this horrible disease.  And I am angry at my God.  Because I feel like he could have saved her.  And that's silly too, because I know it doesn't work that way.  I know God doesn't just give people cancer.  That sometimes suffering is part of life, and that she wouldn't want me to be angry like this.

But I want to kick and scream and hit things.  I have wanted to kick and scream and hit things since Monday morning.  And I won't do any of that, because I have far too much self-control for it.  Perhaps I have more self-control than is healthy.

She was one of the many people who taught me to garden.  I have plants she gave me in my garden, I have techniques I learned in the garden beside her, and she was one of the people who taught me to find joy in the beauty of a garden.

And I am glad she is no longer suffering.  But that doesn't help with the anger.  

The viewing was Thursday night, and they put lipstick on her.  She never wore makeup.  I never saw her in makeup once.  And that helped, because I could tell myself, that's not her.  She would never look like that.  Today was the funeral, and it was hard and bad, and maybe I got a little closure.  But I'm still angry.

I think I need to get out into the garden to help with the anger.  She would have wanted that.

This is a somewhat silly thing to write a post about, which is to say I feel really self-conscious about this.  So here goes.  One of my very most favorite songs is I Had No Right, by Dar Williams.  It is an immensely powerful song and it means a lot to me.



It means a lot to me-- about how I feel about war, and how I feel about my religion.  And part of why I feel self-conscious is because occasionally post lyrics from songs that have meaning to me on facebook.  But when I think about the lines I would quote from the song, and I can't, because I don't want them misinterpreted.  And I don't want to be misinterpreted. 

First it was a question, then it was a mission,
How to be American, how to be a christian,
Oh, if the law is their cross, their cross is burning.

To me, this means something very specific about being a Christian in America, and I don't want to be misinterpreted as being of that particular stripe of hateful Christian that thinks the country is going down the tubes because of who is president, who is trying change our country.

So yeah, complicated and probably I overthink.  But there it is.

I've been writing a lot this week.  Some of this is because I had my writing group on Monday, which really helped me see some things that I was missing in my story.  So I have a scene to expand, and some things to edit out.  And I haven't done that, because I have forward momentum right now, and I don't want to get distracted and lose that.

Anyway.  Word count.

On the Wings of Swans

Words Today: 1603
Words Total: 13,995
Mean things: abusive drinking, arthritis, PTSD, racism
Darling: “Drink after work,” he explained.  He studied his feet.  “My face got us thrown out of a few too many bars.  So we stopped.”

It's starting to come along nicely now.  I have a good flow, and a fairly good idea of where this things is going.

It's been an eventful weekend.  I started the weekend Friday night by going for dinner with two of the women from my writing group, which was really nice.  We had excellent food and good conversation, ranging from makeup to writing and movies and books and it was a lot of fun.

Saturday my brother came home from school for spring break, and I had to go to the bank and then I stopped by a local business that was closing to take advantage of the sale and wish the owner well in her next endeavor.  The business is a tea house that I spent many memorable outings at and I have known the owner for quite some time.  I came away from that visit with a beautiful tea pot with camellias and bees on it.  It is a very me tea pot.

Today I went to the Philadelphia Flower Show with my parents.  I ended up with a lovely new orchid, which I will take a picture of and post as soon as the flower opens.  I also ended up with a cute owl pendant, which I need another owl thing like I need a hole in the head, but whatever.  It's cute and I love it.  And the show was awesome.  Not my very favorite, but there were lots of cool things to see.  It was very tropical, as was appropriate, considering this year's theme was Hawaii.  There were lots of heliconias, and proteas, and orchids.

And now, I am working on edits for the pages I have to read at my writing group tomorrow, because I have to read.  No more chickening out because I'm not brave enough to actually do this.  Gah.  I hate reading unfinished things.

On the Wings of Swans

Words Today: 722
Words Total: 10,722
Mean Things: fretting for friends, jealousy, fighting
Darling: "I know," he snapped, "and me and Robbie, and Adrian and Ben, and how the hell is any of it fucking fair?" He wouldn't even glance at her as he pulled into the police station.  "But none of it excuses cruelty."

And back to the edits, but I'll leave you with a photo from the show.  Here, have a wall made of different types of lettuce.

I've gotten a bit farther on On the Wings of Swans, but progress has been slow.  And progress on the second scarflet is kind of at a dead halt, but that's because I do most of my knitting in the morning before work, and things have been somewhat unsettled there of late.  Anyway. Log.

On the Wings of Swans

Words Today: 1,302
Words Total: 10,000
Mean Things: death of people close to you, jealousy, grief, pity 
Darling: “Physician, heal thyself,” Oracle quoted, soft and bitter.  She looked up at him, eyes dark and sober.  “Do not pity him.  He will hate you for it.”

So that's how it looks so far. 

Mourning Dove gets a name change to On the Wings of Swans.  I have been plodding along on it all week and it's been a struggle, which means something is wrong, I just can't figure out what.  I'll get it sorted eventually.  And so it goes.

On the Wings of Swans

Words Today: 891 
Words Total: 8,148
Research: law enforcement funeral protocol
Mean Things: difficult conversations, murder, discrimination
Darling: He could hear his old teacher’s voice in his head.  Adrian, you will fuck up.  It happens.  Keep going.  Save lives, even if you have to do it kicking and screaming and tumbling down a crevasse.

So that is that.  We'll see where it goes from there, even if I have to drag it to the bloody end.

On a less frustrating note, I finished my little scarflet and gave it to its intended owner.  I have started the second one, which is for my mother.

I was all set to write a happy post, but I just got some really godawful news today, and I just can't, you guys.  Today, I found out that a friend of mine is stopping chemotherapy because it isn't helping anymore.  The doctors say she has about six months to live.  And you know what, it really fucking sucks.  I hate it.

So yeah.  Can you tell me happy things?  Because I could really do with people telling me that there are good things, even if they're little things.

This has been an eventful weekend for me.  I started it off with a baby shower for a family friend's daughter.  Our family friend has breast cancer and is not doing well, but was hosting despite it.  So we had errands to run to help her get ready, and arrived at the house well before the party started to help with setup and do some decorating.  Her daughter arrived while we were still setting up and it was good to see her, since I haven't seen her since I was in high school or so.  The party went well, and she loved all her presents for her new baby.  We all saw pictures of the dresser her husband made for the baby.  He had built it by hand himself and wood-burned sea creatures into it.  It was very beautiful.

While we were there, I spoke to two other women who are part of the same garden club as I am, and we fomented rebellion in the club.  We are all disappointed with the schedule of speakers and meetings we're going to have and so we discussed things we could do to change it.  Because really, a plant exchange in July??  Who's going to be planting in July?  I mentioned offhandedly that I would be willing to run for president out of sheer irritation with the way things are going.  One of the other women then mentioned that she would pass the word.  I guess we're all relieved not to be the only ones who don't like how things are going.

Yesterday evening I went to see the Prodigals at the Centenary Stage with a good friend.  I had heard about the concert on the radio and called her immediately to see if she wanted to go.  It worked out well, and we had good seats on the balcony so we could see clearly.  And the band was wonderful!  I hadn't really heard any of their music before, but they sounded good on the radio.  The show was fantastic-- a good mix of classic Irish songs and originals, and the band had good stage presence.  Just before the intermission, the leader singer took a moment to dedicate a song in honor of his brother, who died during the earthquake in Haiti.  It was beautiful, touching song.  I would call it a hymn to a place.  The whole show was phenomenal.  And this is the mentioned song.


In other news, the story I've been struggling with is coming along nicely, although I'm still fumbling with the first chapter.  I have a better grasp of how it's supposed to work now, so it's a little easier to push it forward without getting caught up in how things should be working.

I've spent the entire day ruminating on the story I'm writing.  I've been really struggling and I'm only in the first chapter, so I've been trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

And what I'm doing is not setting the story with enough time between it and Mockingbird Heart.  These characters need to have more distance between that story and this one for what needs to happen to make sense.  And I'm glad I caught it now, when I'm still only in the first chapter, but still.  It means I'm going to have to go back and nearly rewrite the whole thing.  So I'm kind of kicking myself for not catching it sooner.  At least it's only twenty pages, not one hundred.